I know what you’re thinking…oh bloody hell, Emily, what on earth can possibly be wrong with sitting down in a public space? Pull yourself together, girl! Well, I say, quite a lot can be wrong, as I am about to explain if you would let me get a word in!
Sitting down in a public space, although it sounds trivially unproblematic, can often be an escapade that goes horribly awry before you’ve even hit the surface. Allow me to explain.
I’m currently carrying out my civic duty of jury service in The Liverpool Crown Court. It requires my availability between the hours of 9.30 and 4.30. We get an hour free for lunch at 1, and naturally, after being indoors when there’s such lovely weather, one would like to venture out for a short period of time, find a patch of grass and take a leisurely seat.
This is where my dilemma begins. Yesterday, I had done exactly this. I had left hour for 15 minutes to go outside and lie in the sun.
Upon selecting my patch of grass, I promptly sat down. Little did I notice that I was the only person in a 100 metre vicinity sitting on the grass. And slowly but surely, the answer began to seep through my skirt. Dew.
Much like my wedgie predicament last week, I decided to stay calm and not to panic, even though I knew the longer I stayed there, the worse the situation would become and the slower it would dry.
What was going through my mind at this point, I hear you ask? Well, firstly, due to my publichumiliationphobia I decided to stay put purely because I would look like a loon if I were to get up straight away and walk off as if nothing had happened. I was, may I remind you, surrounded by people. Not to mention, resentment. How dare these people allow me to get myself into this situation? And now they were all silently watching and waiting to see how I would react or attempt to hide or solve this problem. Because they all knew…
I propose that if the grass is wet and it is not entirely obvious, the installation of warning signs (not dissimilar to those which warn of wet paint) particularly for women wearing dresses, should be a priority of the local council.
But how did I escape the humiliation, I assume you’re wondering? Luckily, I had earlier travelled to court by bus, on which they distribute free newspapers. Upon realisation of this I yanked the paper out of my bag and stood up (albeit not gracefully) and used it to conceal the evidence. Like a ninja.
So that, ladies and gentlemen, is why sitting down in a public place can land you in some unfortunate situations, and don’t even get me STARTED on the birds…