Awkward Moment #17: I-Spider.


I’m sitting in the living room, happily typing away and occasionally glancing around the room trying to remember that word I keep forgetting…and then I see him. 

Spider.

Oh god. My eyes widen at the sight of his alarming number of limbs. I’m sorry, but if I only need two legs, why the hell does he need eight? He’s definitely up to something.

Just keep calm, I tell myself. It’ll all be ok as long as you keep an eye on him. I take a deep breath to quash the mounting hysteria and focus on my essay once more…

one of the most important factors to interpret with regards to the analysis of – He’s still there. Ok, good. This is good, this can work. We can peacefully coexist…However, there are many profound philosophical ideologies that conflict even with the most valued and respected of – HE’S MOVED.

Oh god. Where the HELL has he gone?!

I scan the room frantically. A bead of sweat forms on my brow. I wipe it away and swallow hard.

Suddenly I realise that I’m shaking. For God’s sake, Eccles. Pull yourself together! You’ve lived alone for the last three years and you can’t even muster the courage to-THERE HE IS THE BASTARD! I spot him, just behind the television screen.

A box of tissues has found its way into my grasp. I look at it in surprise. Really? This is my weapon of choice? But before I even know what’s happening I’ve launched it at my eight-legged nemesis. I was never picked for rounders in school so it misses. By a mile. It does spook it though, and the spider scuttles away into the corner of the room. I whimper.

He’s out of sight again. My essay has now been abandoned. I lift my feet off the floor and fold them beneath me. The back of my neck begins to itch – AAAAH! I thrash around and scratch frantically at my neck, wriggling more than the Jelly on a Plate Race at sports day. What if it’s on me? What if it crawls into my shoe and I squash it and don’t realise? I snatch my shoes up from the floor, ignoring the voice in my head that tells me it can climb UP as well as down.

I sit on the sofa panting heavily from the adrenaline surging through my veins. An hour passes this way.
I call my friend. “Spider!” I whisper, mid-sob.
“Em? What? Hello?”
“SPIDER!” I whisper more harshly.
“Oh for god’s sake…”
“You don’t understand! It’s huge and it’s gonna EAT ME!” Ok, I think by this point the panic had definitely turned me insane.
“How big is it?”
“That’s not important right now. What IS important is that it has fangs…”
“Aaaaand I’m hanging up now.”
“You’re just gonna leave me?”
“Leave you? I’m not even in England!”
“I am minutes away from being eaten alive and all you can think about is yourself?!”
The line goes dead.
This is it. I’m gonna die alone. I hug my knees to my chest and close my eyes…

This was two days ago. The spider is still at large.

We've all done it!

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